what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
