I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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