Girls should come with a carfax report
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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