i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
