I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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