Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
