Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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