Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
