Pants 0. Shit 1.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
