Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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