How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
His nipple licking is glorious
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