mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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