He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
