your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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