sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
