idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
