I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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