I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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