Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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