I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
