If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
