ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
