I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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