I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
