I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
