I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
