did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
