I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
