based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
