Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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