checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
