I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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