i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
