I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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