I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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