can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
