I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
