you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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