i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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