I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
