Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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