either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
