He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
