we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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