Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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