Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
