and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
