Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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