Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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