i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
