So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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