We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
