The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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