So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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