people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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