he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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