My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
