I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Drunk is not a location!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
