You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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