I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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