I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
