I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
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Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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